Wizard of Oz – Johnna Nicole Crawford

I left Kansas, but before that on every trip out of Kansas I would get the same comment when people asked where I was from and they all responded the same, “Oh….like Dorothy!”

And I used to think no, not at all like Dorothy – then I’d try to ignore the numb-nuts the rest of our interaction.

Then, after moving from Kansas I started to think that yes, despite me hating that trippy old Wizard of Oz movie, everybody from Kansas is actually quite a bit like that poor, pale, cankled Dorothy. In fact, sadly, Kansans and Dorothy though no relation, might be related.

Lets start with the little dog. Kansans love little dogs. Kansans love big dogs. They love medium dogs, dogs with three legs, dogs with one eye, and dogs so old instead of back legs they have wheels. Kansans prefer their dogs over their children and if their dog is small enough to fit in a basket on a bike, then it will be in the basket. Dorothy took Toto everywhere and people in Kansas do too – they just lie and order that special dog vest from Amazon so that no one will question it. In their defense, most Kansans could use the emotional support.

Then there is the obvious thing Kansans have in common with Dorothy – it’s the the crazy ass neighbor down the road. I don’t remember why that witch was so mad in her dream but I am familiar with there being a crazy person living nearby on every street I’ve ever lived on. The neighbors out in the farming communities get even crazier because the don’t leave their land to interact with people often. So when they do get out, they’ve got some strong opinions they’ve been storing in their overalls for awhile and some poor sixteen year old cashier is going to hear all of it at the Feed & Seed.

I always wanted to say, “No, I have nothing in common with Dorothy.” And then I’m reminded of the two major tornadoes I lived through, that did carry away numerous houses. I can’t say for sure the number of witches that were killed during those F-5’s but I can say lives were lost, usually those were the lives that wanted to stand on the porch and watch the funnel cloud “pass”.

Now, I never went singing with arms interlocked as we danced down a yellow brick road. But, I did have some weird friends. Geographically people often make friends with those nearest to them and in the past you could not always choose who wound up in your friend group. I won’t name names but I’m sure we all recall the friend in high school that we truly wondered if they had a brain. You know the one that would get themselves locked inside the bathroom stall. Then, we all had another friend so ruthless we weren’t sure they had a heart as we watched them break up with people in front of the entire lunchroom. I had lots of friends without courage, which is why so many teenagers discover liquid courage in high school and then suddenly they are fearless. Had Dorothy just given that flippin’ scared Lion a six pack and a Xanax the movie may have actually been interesting.

Now I take fashion seriously but when I was a Kansan I was well aware most people only used fashion as a way to cover places they didn’t want sunburned. I don’t know why Dorothy felt compelled to wear socks with everything, but I think maybe it is a Kansas thing because in Kansas I have seen every style from socks with high heels, to socks with sandals, even socks with Crocs. Perhaps Dorothy knew she was in for a long walk down an uneven road and is just way more blister conscience than she needed to be. Me? I’d rather deal with the blister.

I do think Dorothy should work in HR or something because she is so accepting of anything that walks or flies through life. It could be a lion that only uses his back legs and has no privates or a small creepy town of diabetic dwarves, but this girl does not flinch when most of us would do a double-take then try to snap a pic. She is pale and naïve like a lot of Kansans but most Kansans woulda been judging every of Dorothy’s encounters from inside the safety of their cars, double punching the automatic locks just in case, while daddy reached under the seat for his goin-out-gun.

Any other person to stop in dwarf town – even just to get gas would have seen all those little people come out in herds – and jumped back in the car. They’d white knuckle it on empty and watch the gas gauge all the way to the next town. The kids would be staring out the back window, “Daddy they’re doing a song!”

“Turn around boy! No real human should be so short and wear their pants so dang high!” He’d scold his son as he was secretly terrified one or two of the dwarves were caught under the car since he’d drove off in such fear and recklessness. After that, he’d probably swear off edibles.

Now as far as the witch with the flying monkeys goes…no, we didn’t have that. The only person I think could afford flying monkeys would be Michael Jackson and I’m sure they’ve been auctioned off by now most likely having to receive very intense therapy.

Now, change the W in Witch to a B and yes, we do have those in Kansas. Both of them, the good bitch and the bad bitch. But in KS, it’s the bad bitches that you’ll find wearing a tiara flinging their wand around barking orders, and the good bitch is just like, “Chill girl. We got this. We’re gonna expose all the truth around here! That. Is. Right.”

The truth comes out in Kansas just like in New York, California, and Oz. Someone gets curious, people start gossiping, asking questions, a small volatile mob forms and someone else finally pulls back the curtain to expose whatever fake, crazy white man has been lying his butt off. We all know this happens everywhere. Kansas just has a few of the grislier cases whenever BTK is mentioned. That man wasn’t just hiding behind a curtain- he was hiding under beds, in closets, then playing Troop Leader on the weekends. I can tell you right now Dorothy would not have made it past BTK. Cops woulda found her and a handful of the dwarves I’m sure of it. Of course the ruby red slippers would be missing.

One thing I can’t figure out about dummy Dorothy is how she’s traumatized one day by shifty weather and tornadoes but is happy as the lollipop kid to be climbing into a hot air balloon the next day. If I’ve learned anything about Dorothy, it is that she trusts too much, too much of the time. Did Dorothy even check the weather? Does this man have a balloon license? Just two seconds ago he was lying about living in a castle now he’s got a girl with pigtails and her dog takin off for a flight to wherever.

This is why I couldn’t handle it as a kid. At least leave the dog so someone can run for help. Ugh. So many questions and no answers with this movie. So ya, I used to be offended when people found out I was from Kansas and they would compare me to anything from the Wizard of Oz. Now, I’m older, I see some of it may have at least been (a tad) relatable. If you have ever truly loved that movie I think you need to go back and revisit your childhood traumas then seek therapy like an adult because something’s not right.

I’ve come to terms that my weird life had some similarities with that flick. Then again, I don’t tell anyone I’m from Kansas anymore either.

Tag: Wizard of Oz

There’s No Place Like Home, So I Moved Away