I feel like I need to get my new program going before all these new cults and religions are eradicated completely. I know some groups seem nuts, but maybe we should hear them all the way out first.
Not as strict as Mormon and not as weird as Scientology, the main premise of my new lifestyle plan is simple: Brother/Husbands. I can’t be the first woman to think it’s unfair that so many men out there have multiple wives, but rarely (if ever) have I heard of the opposite, a woman with multiple husbands. I’m willing to sacrifice myself and be the first just for testing purposes if need be.
To be clear, personally, I don’t want a ton of husbands, but since the one I have has a real job and a whole household with kids is truly another full time job, I could definitely use a few extra husbands around the house – that bathroom sink isn’t going to unclog itself. I wondered myself how many husbands I’d need to be happy and it’s not an outrageous number – just a baker’s dozen would hit the spot. I’d use them like ingredients to a recipe, some would get used some of the time but only a few all the time, like the milk and eggs of the kitchen. I’ve compiled some ideas of what I sort of think of as the Dream Team of my Brother/Husbands.
My husband now, Mike, is clearly the milk and eggs. I’d use him as the foreman, the head chef, the team Captain. Of course as Captain I ran this plan by him and he agreed a landscaper would be useful. Then we discussed a doctor of sorts and figured one of those Veterinarians that works on humans in a pinch would suffice. We don’t need the pretentiousness of a real doctor in the house just somebody that can work their way around fevers and vaccinations for both humans and pets. I’m thinking a Dr. Pol type so he also comes with lots of wisdom and sage advice.
Next we’ll definitely need a man with a Spanish heritage. The natural tan, the drinks, the taquitos. He’ll be the one up early making coffee but still throwin’ fiestas late.
Then every wife could use a gay partner that doesn’t know he’s gay and if he’s got good taste, I’m not gonna tell him. I’d brag about him so much he’d be more confident than Martha Stewart, “Did ya see the curtains Jayson made today?…MmmHmm, matches the table cloth – better believe it – does it with his shirt off too, God Bless him.” Jayson would be a great help getting kids ready for school and making sure their hair was prepped on picture day.
Since most coaches of football and such also usually teach something like Math or Social Studies I figure the educator and adventure nut could be all one human. Someone that can handle learning to ride a bike and algebra would be perfect. This man probably drinks his energy in protein shakes and could discipline the children with burpees or quiz them on multiplication tables of which I’ve noticed in America today has really been slipping through the cracks.
Age and ethnicity does not matter. I feel like a good starting point would be to have all the men past and present of Criminal Minds as a Brother/Husbands starter package and see where it takes us. My best idea for a functioning family has always been a car-full of dudes of different shapes, sizes and personalities to be married too. And yes, I would have to marry them all coz I’m not a big floozy. And just as on Sister/Wives there’d be some madness to the method but I have faith the Captain would work it all out in weekly meetings when they all discuss our schedules and get their allowances.
My favorite fantasy is that all the men of Criminal Minds are my husbands and we spend our days solving murders and our nights solving Who-Makes-Mama-Happiest. I don’t care if I do have to start a religion to make it legal. The benefit there is that they could also gather to listen to my prepared sermons on Sundays. Guys seem simpler than women so I do not think they would each need their own home, I think they would just each need their own man cave or a part of the house.
The couple of husbands that actually wanted their own kid or two would be up for negotiation but I’d often use a surrogate since I said I want to be Octo-wife, not Octo-mom. Imagine how fun it would be though growing up with your Sister or Brother/Cousin. Instant friends for life. I wouldn’t just be kicking my feet up either. I’d finally get time to read, drink tea and nurture my children with the time and attention I’ve always wanted which is about thirty minutes just before bedtime.
I have always been around a lot of guys because I was between brothers growing up and they all had friends that wanted to marry me – I imagine they thought to themselves silently. And while I have many good friends that are girls I feel like it is still simpler to make a guy happy. Guys don’t have to even say what they need – in fact they don’t want to say it. Usually, it is one of three things: food, physical attention, or an hour to sit alone on the toilet. What I know now is that at most, I’ll need about a dozen toilets.
Other than the primal desire to claim a woman and defend her as his own I’m not even sure some men of today wouldn’t be relieved with this set up. Eventually they’d turn into some sort of softball team and I’d get to refer to them by their last name or number on their jersey. None of them would have to spend a great amount of quality time with me, and they’d only have to focus on the responsibilities that of their actual talents eliminating that pesky thing men hate called multi-tasking. I’m sure there would be some hiccups and I’m sure I’d get really tired of the phrases, “Thatta boy!” and “You all know we keep Febreze in every room!” But in a world where male role models are ridiculed and scarce I propose this is a simple way to slowly turn things around using a plan that was actually thought up by men.
Ladies, if we want equality in this world we’re going to have to look at this system that men have put in place and say, “Yes, we can do this – better.” I know I haven’t listed the whole team I think would be necessary for Brother/Husbands to be successful, but I think I’m off to a good start. I’m open to collaboration and suggestions. Why erase sexism when all we really have to do is reverse it? Next time you’re husband is too busy, or too tired – tell him to relax, put his feet up you’re about to call in the second string.
Johnna Nicole Crawford 