| Let me go ahead and age myself while ticking other people off at the same time. There are quite a few 80’s movies that I was forced to watch as a child that not only scared the crap out of me, but made me question the sanity and sobriety of the adults around me. I made a decision early in life that if some of my friends were super in love with these movies, I had to reconsider the relationship. I tried to put these movies in order from Crazy to Straight up Nuts and it wasn’t possible in my brain so maybe I’ll try & list them in the order I remember being traumatized by them. The first one will piss off a lot of Kansans and Judy Garland fans: The Wizard of Oz. So many disturbing things here for a young child. First, it was the beginning of my fear of tornadoes that went on the rest of my life. Second, that scarecrow was annoying as crap. I wanted to light him on fire and hope it would catch the lion’s mane. But mostly, why did Judy Garland look thirty but dress and sound like a five year old girl? Normally I love musicals, but this one with the witches, flying monkeys, and a fake land of Oz was too much. Too much I say. If it had been a cartoon, I maybe would have given it a chance, but probably not. I simply rolled my eyes and put my head down whenever they rolled this one out on that large metal TV stand in class. Second, The NeverEnding Story – which truly was, the never ending story. I think it took three trips to my sitter’s house just to get to the final conclusion. Here are some terrible highlights: a boy with a creepy book in a storm, a small princess that seems to be the victim of child trafficking, another cuter boy dressed like Aladdin that was literally horrible with every animal he was responsible for. There was screaming at a flying dog and screaming at a horse going down quick in quick sand. My hope was that the horse would always step on that kid and work his way out. I can’t even discuss those rock people. All I gotta say is whenever this was chosen at sleepovers, I’d call my mom to pick me up so I could go home and watch Cheers with my dad. Do I have to mention ANY version of Pee-Wee Herman? Pee-Wee Herman is literally how I measured the intelligence of my possible-friends. It was like an early online personality test for me. If they loved it, delete. If they didn’t like it either, we could at least test the swings at the park at the same time. When Paul Reubens was arrested for lewd behavior in an X rated cinema all I could think was Duh. He came freakishly close to ruining the bow tie for everyone, for ever. Leave it to America to make a character with short pants on a kids bike named Pee-Wee popular and then be disappointed when he’s a dumb ass in real life too. Some of us saw that coming the first time we heard his honking laugh. How many times in school were we forced to watch Charlie and the Chocolate Factory? A zillion? A zillion and one? And every flippin’ time, I’d again roll my eyes and bang my head on the desk. For real, my favorite activity during all these VHS class moments was to parade my fingers around my desk like legs so that the inside of my palm looked like a butt. Ha. I did it so much I still get a kick out of it. But that movie! So much weirdness! Too many grandparents in one bed, kids with weird names in weird clothes, and a freaky candy owner that for some reason was giving away tours of his factory demonstrating newly invented candy. That was literally every parent’s greatest fear in the 80’s as they checked our Halloween candy for razorblades, but they’d show us the Charlie movie like we should trust middle aged men with top hats and a cane. Let me tell you this, I didn’t even trust the adults that put on these movies for us. I know they were just trying to buy some quiet time, but I learned the hard way with my own kid – prescreening is important. A few other gems not worth their own paragraph are the few I’m sure viewers had to be on drugs to enjoy. In the 80’s there were quite a lot of these regardless of when they were made, I was made aware of them as a young child harshly judging the adults that either suggested or put these movies on for us. Alice in Wonderland – not a fan, love Johnny Depp, but there was NO reason to remake this. Disney’s Fantasia…ummm, no. Drop Dead Fred – imaginary friend comes to life later – stupid. Who Framed Roger Rabbit?…Negative. There were plenty of even weirder movies played for kids during my childhood but the ones I mentioned above were played constantly. My dad and brothers literally loved every Ernest movie ever made whether he was at camp, jail or saving Christmas. I’d watch them, because we only had one TV. Even the movies I loved were terrifying. I loved Annie but her hard knock life often really stressed me out. The whole premise of adorable Benji is that the kids are kidnapped right off the bat. And yes, it is ridiculous how every movie or show must begin with the loss of a beloved mother or father. I was an emotional wreck as a kid and very rarely was anything on screen calming, most of it just kept me up at nights terrified or paranoid about the adults responsible for me. Since I’m a good mom, I haven’t made my kids watch any of that crap from above. To educate them about good musicals, there’s Newsies and plenty others. Silly journeys to save a princess? A Princess Bride. Ridiculous comic adults with a red bike? I got nothing for that one or kids in a candy factory that raises more questions than answers. I’m not worried about my kids, they may miss a few rounds in Trivia but they also won’t have to spend entire bus rides trying to figure out what adult woman dances down a brick road with a tin man. Madness. I love the Disney remakes. I love the new Lion King, Cinderella and especially Beauty and the Beast. I’m glad my kids get updated versions of the good stuff. And I’m sorry if you love some of the childhood films I mentioned above. I’m guessing if you’re fond of those flicks your parents smoked in your lead painted house and let you have sips of beer on occasion. All I can say is I love movies, but even as a kid, if the story sucked, the movie sucked. Ya got about five minutes to get my attention and keep it. As the rest of my friends would be entertained by the Chocolate Factory or Pee-Wee Herman, I’d be silently watching them. What movies a kid enjoyed said a lot about them as a person – and it still does, ya Lord of the Rings nerds 🙂 |
Tag: Movies
My Fave Styles (including Harry)
Since I’m on a movie kick – I’m going to start by describing my movie styles which is really pretty irrelevant because I watch all forms, genres and whatever my family is watching. Regardless, the movies I navigate towards on my own are often crude, smart comedy, girl power plots and hot dudes. I love biographies or true stories of inspiration. However, I’m an artist – my fave filmmaker is Stanley Kubrick – I could watch Dr. Strangelove or The Shining over and over again because they are so much greater than the surface of the plot.
That being said, the movies I’ve actually watched on repeat other than all the Kubrick’s are the Free Willy trilogy (I love orcas), Legends of the Fall (I love Brad Pitt), Robin Hood Prince of Thieves (I love Kevin Costner), Elizabeth (I love strong women & Cate Blanchett) plus every Adam Sandler & David Spade flick ever. So despite my true cinematic loves, I’m a addict for good films with hot actors. As far as non-American films go my number one foreign film is no doubt The Bicycle Thief and I absolutely love the original Breathless. Mostly, I love it all. I’m not a huge fan of blood and guts but well I am married to a man that doesn’t love Brad and Kevin quite as much as I do. Plus, I’ve watched Troy back to back one day all alone in sweat pants and even some parts on slow-mo. I digress. I just love movies, music, TV, but mainly great writing, art, and storytelling.
From here on I’m gonna list a lot of lists, describe a bunch of movies and shows with really no rhyme or reason to which or why. Some will be older, some will be classics, some will be for families because I have kids I watch stuff with and some will be brand spanking new streaming options. What I won’t do is rate them with tomatoes or stars or even my thumbs – I’ll do my best to summarize but the judgement will be up to you. When has two stars or three tomatoes ever helped you decide what to watch? What I think is important is the category so viewers can determine if that is something they are in the mood for. We all feel like watching different things at different times in our lives and knowing where something fits I believe helps with that decision. So far, here’s the “categories” I’ve come up with to help you understand my perspectives on all streaming, downloading and viewing options. Of course some productions will for sure fall into more than one category but here’s what I’ll start with – some you know of – some are my own personal descriptive creations:
Chick Flick – A show or movie that the majority of women enjoy. Also, gay men love chick flicks which is why I wanted a newer, better description but let’s face it – some phrases are just too well known to change up. Best examples of Chick Flicks: Steel Magnolias, When Harry Met Sally and my personal faves, George’s Clooney’s One Fine Day and Sandra Bullock’s While You Were Sleeping.
Dude Food – A show or movie that men literally crave like food due to the excessive violence, blood, over the top car chases, explosions and big breasted women. These are extreme and often cause women to literally cover their eyes then lay awake at night wondering what the hell is wrong with men. I once walked into a room a night we had no children at home in a new outfit excited for some couple time and my husband was in the middle of a “dude food” movie. Without even looking up in my direction he held up one finger and said, “Hold on – there’s about to be a shootout.” So. Best examples of Dude Food are: Rambo (one through the other seventy nine), Braveheart, and Platoon – all of which I’ve seen – all of which were nights my husband got to pick the flick.
Family Room Flick – Pretty self explanatory. These movies can be played on the big TV in the family room where everyone can see and hear the whole movie. These don’t have to be muted at times or fast forwarded, some are just for kids, but my faves are the ones even parents enjoy. As a child in my house these movies were Swiss Family Robinson, The Parent Trap, and all the Disney Sunday Night Movie Specials, which I will list eventually for your entertainment. Today, while I’ve shown my family all those listed above the newest and most frequent are Secret Life of Pets 1 and 2, The Croods, and most everything involving an Avenger.
Docs and Hard Truth: Documentaries are great, but some are just educational which for all of our understanding I will refer to as Docs. Not my favorite shoes Dr. Martens, but actual documentaries. Those I call Hard Truths are the real gut wrenchers I think are very important. While a Doc example would be This Is It with Michael Jackson, a Hard Truth would be Leaving Neverland, also with Michael Jackson. There is a great difference and no matter how much it sucks, I often force myself to watch the Hard Truths. My only disclaimer is that some Hard Truths – could actually be lies though the best have very accurate proof. I will not defend either side despite knowing my opinion is always right 🙂 I will merely mention some things in life are hard to digest, but good to know. Two more great Hard Truth examples are Blackfish and The Cove. Ahhh! And I’ll leave that, at that.
LOL – means laugh out loud, but I used to believe it meant “lots of laughs”. Haaa. Either way, our LOL category is both of those, things that make you laugh out loud and laugh a lot. Stand up. Sandler flicks. SNL sketches. My best and fave examples of these are also comedy classics: Dumb and Dumber, Tommy Boy, the newer Due Date. However, not all LOL’s are slapstick stupid. I absolutely love the way The Favorite makes me LOL as does another of my college year flicks Michael Douglas’s Wonder Boys. When I say LOL though I mean I laugh, I can’t guarantee you will.
Classic – is just that. A classic. A classic to me, just for reference is the above mentioned Parent Trap – with Hayley Mills. Or Old Yeller or Grease. But it can also mean Caddyshack, The Great Outdoors, Alien or A Clockwork Orange. I do rewatch these great works and I will review them because it’s good to see how things have stood the tests of time and to reminisce. One thing you’ll learn is I wasn’t allowed to watch anything above a PG rating until I was nearly in college. We didn’t have cable either so my viewing was very limited and I’ve spent years catching up and paying attention to what I missed. This means some “classics” are even fresher in my mind and coming from a very different perspective.
Drama Club – these are different than chick flicks. Less romantic, more serious and often important. The ones that come to mind immediately deal with human issues like addiction and poverty. Drama Club doesn’t mean dramatic in a negative way, it means dramatic in a real way that will make you feel real emotions. A great semi-recent Drama Club flick is Beautiful Boy, though it also would join the BIO category as it’s based on a true story which many Drama Club stories are. Some more examples of these are Philadelphia, Dallas Buyers Club, and The Tale. All worth watching, all will move you to weepiness or just plain reality at some point.
BOOKS & BIOS – These are movies/shows based on books (fiction and non-fiction) or based on biographies. Easy. These are also my FAVE of the FAVES. My most recent great biography flick is Shia Labeouf’s HoneyBoy in which he recollects his childhood by playing the role of his actual father. Another amazing show on Amazon is the great comedian Tig Notaro’s semi-autobiographical hilarious show called One Mississippi. I love all biographies about queens of the past, shows like The Crown, and anything that is a loved book that I can then watch as an on screen adaptation. Some of those worth mentioning are of course all The Chronicles of Narnia, Little Women, and Philip Seymour Hoffman’s Capote, bonus = both a bio and a book!
Blockbuster – another category I can’t change because we all know what it is despite the real thing no longer being in existence. These are the crowd pleasers. The money makers. The feel-good movies of the year. I won’t review many of these unless it truly is remarkable mainly because I love hidden gems, quiet genius, and stuff I can search for and watch on my couch. Regardless, some my fave Blockbusters are for sure Iron Man, Armageddon, and really I’ve always loved ConAir I don’t care how bad Nicholas Cage’s accent is it is entertaining and comes with that amazing 90’s LeAnn Rimes song!
Musicals – are the loves of my life because they combine two brilliant things film and music. Best and faves: That Thing You Do, Footloose (both of them!), Grease, and The Greatest Showman – hello Zac Efron and Hugh Jackman! 🙂
Horrific – I’m not into horror. But I do watch some, rarely. Therefore, I will list this category for when something does scare the crap out of me. In high school it was The Blair Witch Project and Silence of the Lambs. If I do review any of these it is because I’ve been conned into it by my husband or a friend though it will be an odd day if I find any of them particularly riveting.
Mama Likes – this is more than a chick flick, this is Magic Mike or Breathless the American version. These are the movies that women want to watch at home with wine and their dog and not be interrupted for anything. Chick Flicks are satisfying, Mama Likes movies are mesmerizing and trust me, necessary for a woman. Mama Likes movies fulfill the part of a woman’s life that is not being met by daily parent teacher meetings and meal preps. What Dude Food is for men, Mama Likes is for moms, not moms, and all women in general. A few more examples are Legends of the Fall, Dances with Wolves, of course The Notebook then anything else with Channing Tatum. Hello.
SO. There’s the categories thus far. If I run into something to review that does not fit the above, I’ll make up some more, but the gist of it is – most of what I watch does fit into the categories above. After I write about some production, I’ll finish by listing where I think it fits to summarize easily. And warning: I’m not Ebert or the IMDB site, I will look things up but I will also make mistakes. I’m not doing a thesis here I’m saving peeps time by giving deets without giving away the whole shebang. Keep following. It will be random, but it will be a great way to decide on how to spend some time without scrolling and scrolling forever through every streaming service. I’ll watch, I’ll tell you what I think and of course, I’ll be honest 🙂
Coming up next, my MASTER LIST!
Johnna Nicole Crawford 