Tag: Covid

All I Want 4 Christmas: One Holiday Season Without an E.R. Visit

Published on by Johnna Nicole CrawfordLeave a comment

I am jealous if you are NOT worried about Covid. What a treat. I don’t have that luxury, I’m a mom of kids still at home. The people NOT worried about Covid at all are either:

1. Too old to remember having a sick kid

2. Haven’t been to the ER in awhile

Because I’m not scared of Covid, I’m scared of sleepless nights – because that’s what sickness is when you are a parent or part of a family in one home. As a parent, sickness = sleepless nights and gross bodily fluids everywhere. Everywhere. I’m scared of any sickness but I’m especially scared of any sickness that could go thru my whole family like we are actually passing around a football filled with diarrhea.

See I’m not old enough to have forgotten the year my daughter sat up in my bed, turned her head, then threw up directly on my face. I still remember being in a 2 a.m. daze in the shower washing vomit chunks out of my ear. I literally had to turn my head sideways and clean puke from my hair and ear canal while my husband changed the bedding – because not all kids handle sickness the same. Some kids are jerks that never, ever hit a trash can or toilet.

Actually the global point this year is just that: not all humans handle sickness the same. We’ve seen this year that some people do get over Covid, and some people die. The point most people seem to be missing is I don’t want to deal with sickness – period. I know I cant avoid it forever, I know it’s coming around again, but as a mother and a family of four, I’m just not dumb enough to actively go seeking it out by pretending it’s not that bad. And if one of my beloved, trusted doctors personally tells me a mask will lower my chances of sickness, by God I’m wearing nine of them and keeping my kids a full yard stick away from me as I swat it around.

Just last Christmas break we spent the days before Christmas in an out of town ER with our 2nd child. Eventually that stomach bug reached our first child, then me – and it was the worst I have felt in DECADES. Last year’s Christmas stomach surprise was so bad that I knew THE SECOND I felt it – it did not belong in my body. My stomach felt that bug and radioed my brain faster than a NASA astronaut with a helmet leak. My brain received the signal and told me then to buckle up and grab the bulk box of puke bags. Last year, three out of four of us had to go to the ER for medicine just to make it STOP. And that’s only one fun family sickness story. That one is totally separate than the vomit in the ear and totally separate from the ER doctor dressed as Santa years before. Point being, I’ve got enough stories of survival, I don’t want anymore.

So yes America, I know the Covid numbers. I know the media blows it out of proportion, I know my family isn’t in the high risk category. But, I’ve also talked to friends and family as they suffered this year from Covid and I don’t care how many people do get over it – before they got over it, they sounded like they were knock knock knocking on Heaven’s door and it did not sound good.

Thankfully, most people I know personally did make it to the other side of Covid – but many in the world did not, just as we lose people each year to all sorts of sicknesses. It’s all sad. It’s terrible. And I don’t want any of it IF I can avoid it. So congratulations if you’re too old to remember the worst of the sleepless nights with kids. Or enjoy these moments if you’re too young to have experienced the 3 a.m. ER trip with your kid who smells like his pee and your sweat. I’m still young enough and smart enough to know if it’s goin around – there’s a chance it’s comin’ for me and my family. Most sicknesses are like lice, I don’t have to have it to know I don’t want it. And yes, it will pass, but it won’t be pleasant and it’s going to cancel your plans.

I support your rights to not wear a mask. I support the belief in conspiracy theories and questions of vaccines. But more than that, I support going on with my life and my plans without early morning ER trips or chunks of vomit in my ear. When I say I don’t want to get sick, I mean it – I don’t want the flu, the measles, rubella, Covid – none of it, cause we’ve already had most of it and it all sucks.

Here’s the thing about “worries”. With worries, it does help to speak about them, let it out, voice your concerns, get help. However if you’re not worried about something, you’re good. You don’t have to tell us, you don’t have to brag or start a debate – the great thing about not “being worried” is that you can go on not being worried. Everyone has a right to their own emotions and their own reasons for those emotions. Humans rarely have any idea what another human has suffered through that sets off anothers unique set of worries. If you’re not worried but someone else is, how about instead of trying to change their minds you try to understand their point of view. Any breathing sickness still stresses me out because I vividly remember trying to get a one year old to sit nightly with a nebulizer blowing medicine into her sick and growing lungs. It was traumatizing and none of us want to go back.

I’m happy this year has led so many people to better consider their personal hygiene. I’m happy it’s raised political questions and got people talking, but it seems the citizens speaking loudest are the ones without the young or elderly at home. I want to let the people actively caretaking right now be the voices that get heard. Better yet, if you haven’t had to wipe up crap lately, maybe stop talking crap? And if you haven’t truly been puked on lately how about you keep your thought-vomit inside also? The rest of us just want to stay dry from mucus, snot, and feces for one whole season and that shouldn’t be too much to ask for.

My opinion is that after witnessing the “public” again while running some holiday errands I decided the mask may be something I just adopt as an everyday necessity. Actually, at this point I don’t think an everyday Hazmat suit is out of the question. I saw a woman talking to herself while braiding Christmas ribbon from the street into her hair while sitting on the sidewalk and a man walking to his car in a tank top who needed to ask either Santa or Mrs. Claus for a bra. When in society, the public made me realize I don’t know what most people have, but I do know I don’t want to catch it. Any of it.

So you’re not worried, great. Silence is golden. I also wish it was contagious.

You’re Gonna Get Spanked – by Me – by Life – but Most Likely by Me

Published on by Johnna Nicole CrawfordLeave a comment

I’m absolutely positive Covid is bringing back the popularity of spanking and most people just won’t talk about it. I will, because I’d like to encourage the frustrated mothers of today that it is still better to spank your child than confine them to a dog cage. It’s sad I have to say that, but these days there are people literally dumb enough to use the “nobody ever told me that,” defense in court. Those are also the type of people that would be drawn to my writing I’m sure so I like to cover my bases.

So, yes, we spank our kids occasionally and I don’t even care if you call the authorities. Both my brothers are well aware that my two children could be dropped off at their doorstop at any time with their trash bags sweat pants and mismatched socks and a fruit plate that spells out “Congrats on the Newest Additions!” Then I’ll turn their rooms into home gyms so they know when then do get to come back home, I’ll be moving faster and spanking like I was trained by the Rock.

90% of the time I’m the Carol Brady of motherhood – just solving problems in my blonde mullet – but I’m here to tell everyone that this Covid crap has dramatically lowered the successful parenting percentage significantly around the world. Here’s one thing I’ll tell you: taking away technology at a time like this is only a punishment to the parents. On the other hand, too much technology and my child eventually comes across commercials that we’re not ready for. He has the kid settings on everything and still he asked yesterday if he would need the HPV vaccine because YouTube is recommending it for males and females. Since he’s six, and recently figured out he’s male, he was naturally concerned. I’d love to say I responded intelligently but truthfully, I had to use my tablet to Google it instead of just playing deaf and looking it up on my own later. Finally I told him yes, we’re a family that doesn’t just spank, we vaccinate and lucky for him that one was a few years away.

It is not natural these days for all the family to be at home all the time, much less with kids trying to do schoolwork as parents try to have real careers all beneath the same roof. I assume since my son’s Kindergarten teacher sent home a Chromebook laptop for him this week it is for him to perfect his resume and find a real job because if I’m going to be playing teacher any longer I’m going to need a raise and he’s going to need to mature quicker. I vote everybody gets held back this year, we skip holidays, birthdays and just pretend this year didn’t even show up. Let’s just skip it like hotels skip the 13th floor and then never talk about it like it’s not weird. If we all agree to skip this year and vow with blood to only go back to normal after a vaccine is truly working then I bet there’s a lot of us that won’t mind celebrating the same birthday twice, especially because every birthday this year made us ask ourselves, “do I even want to keep aging on this planet?”

There are truly only two real questions going on here: do you want to die at home from a domestic dispute and murder? Or do you want to chance it in society with Covid? Every single extracurricular activity my children were involved with after school such as basketball or swimming has been cancelled which does not mean much to them but to me it means I had to start ordering both Benadryl and Melatonin in bulk and referring to every pill in our cabinets as vitamins we all need to take hourly to fight the virus.

The beauty of spanking kids in this decade is it only has to happen once or twice and all their past education kicks in and they truly believe their parents are on the verge of major child abuse. We spanked our daughter a few times in elementary school and now all we have to do is mention the word and she’s abruptly attempting to sweep the floor and empty the dishwasher at the same time. I showed our son the paddle I got spanked with as a kid and we keep it within reach for when necessary. When we do mention it or reach for it not only does his voice change with obedience, but he’s also started to salute us both as we walk by.

I got spanked as a child and I was the good kid. I can’t even remember what I did but because I’d worn jean shorts under a skirt to school that day my dad thought I’d put them on just for the spanking then made me take off both the skirt and shorts. I’m sure that made it more difficult to spank me – his beloved daughter – since my underwear then was that sweet brand of Precious Moments characters with big tear drop eyes. That was probably hard to follow through with, but he did it and low and behold, I still graduated high school, college, and never once had to talk about it in therapy. Well, I had more pressing issues to talk about in therapy – my point is – as long as your spankings are quick and on the tush when a kid deserves it – they’re gonna live, and even probably still love you.

If spankings don’t work, we have had the actual conversation about switching the dog shock collars over to the other little necks at home to zap them into good behavior. At that point, I feel like your child may even start begging for spankings.

Now’s the time to try it out parents. Who’s that kid gonna call? Just tell the authorities the house is run amuck with the ‘Rona and you’re all delusional. Then get the kid an ice pack for their butt. It’s true: some kids don’t need spanked. Or, some mothers just need to lower their expectations for what deserves a spanking. Here’s how I determine who’s getting spanked:

  1. If the kid has been asked over three times to pick up their crap.
  2. If the kid has talked back more times than Macaulay Culkin on Home Alone – as he’s being dragged up to the attic.   
  3. If they’ve “forgot” all the responsibilities they’ve been in charge of since the beginning of time.
  4. And finally, and mostly, when they think they’re funnier than me, because that’s like sports – you may be good one day, but today is not that day.

Occasionally parents (mainly moms) you gotta pull out your crazy eyes and crazy voice at least once a month just to keep the kids on their toes. Especially during this time which is unchartered waters – holidays + world pandemic = time to buckle down folks. My best suggestion is make the old school paddle just to loop to your belt or sit out on the coffee table. That way you don’t even have to spank, you just make a long, dramatic stare in the direction of the paddle and watch those kids dance like your shooting stray bullets at their feet. Try it, it’s fun. And right now, we all could use a little fun, and a lot more sanity. You’re welcome.

Have a great Thanksgiving!