Category: Thoughts

Go West Young Man…It’s less…Midwest

Published on by Johnna Nicole CrawfordLeave a comment

I’d like to thank Kansas for reminding me why we moved away from Kansas during our drive west on the highway – out of Kansas.

To be fair all the reasons we left are also reasons we see coming in, but then you have to ignore them knowing you’ll be there for a week. Thankfully, my Kansas family is quite different from the Kansans displayed on the absurd number of billboards which openly highlight the redneckery of Kansas. This is why when we visit our family’s homes in Kansas for the holidays we drive STRAIGHT THERE. No food breaks, no pee breaks, yes, it’s 7-10 hours depending on where we’re going but I’ve trained my kids for the drive like they’re national truckers. They know once we are in the car we’re not stopping for snacks, hitchhikers or even a limping dog because I’ve explained to them it’s all just a ploy to get us to step outside, move back to Kansas, grow our hair long and live in our basement when it’s sunny outside. We’re not falling for it.

Once we’re in the car my kids live on tubs of Slim Jim’s and pee in homemade commode’s I’ve fashioned out of recycled pickle jars. We don’t stop for anything along I-70 East because I know the minute we do we’re going to end up buying an AR-15 and touring an in-home zoo featuring beasts that most of America thought were extinct. My six-year-old is really into the gun billboards so I have to divert his attention through the smallest towns where wi-fi still doesn’t exist. During these stretches, I truly have to launch into an old fashioned game of real charades. Since my son has never lived without wi-fi there’s a good 300 mile area he believes something in the air has turned me into the worst mime on the planet. However, it does keep his attention as I impersonate every celebrity he’s never heard of.

The most noticeable regret we pass first is the semi-truck parked in a field by the highway totally painted: TRUMP. It feels like the type of commitment that says, I have enough semi-trucks, I can waste one on a person’s name. Ironically that person has a motto, “Make America Great Again,” and I can’t help but wonder if painted semi-trucks along the highway is truly what Trump had in mind by “great”.

Then there’s Joe Bob. I don’t know Joe Bob but I do know we have a difference of opinion based on the billboards he’s painted with his website and the largest picture of an automatic rifle I’ve ever seen. The only time I’ve ever thought, this calls for an automatic rifle are the moments I’ve watched Jurassic Park in the theater. The thought of a T-Rex chasing me through a muddy jungle is literally the only time I can imagine wanting a gun that shoots faster than I can think. That’s right, the only time I’ve ever thought I’d need that rifle is entirely fiction and will never, ever happen.

The place is called Joe Bob Outfitters and you can pull off the highway and visit or just visit their website, which I did though I did not need to. I can tell what is going on with Joe Bob just by his billboard and that billboard is one main reason we don’t stop for gas or food while coming into Kansas. When we need gas, I hang the six-year-old out the back truck window with his winter coveralls D-clipped to a bungee cord and he pours gas in the tank a gallon at a time as we continue at 75 mph down the highway like he’s on Fear Factor 2020.  

Joe Bob posts his billboard on both sides of the highway so you’re reminded coming into Kansas and when leaving Kansas that you can pick up your firearms and ammunition as easily as a bag of Cheetos before getting back on the highway. I noticed also on our way out of Wichita this trip the subtle advertising of an underground bunker which looked like two giant sewer tubes pieced together to show how comfortably your family could survive an apocalypse together underground like gophers. One tube was vertical with the ladder or entryway down to hell, the other was horizontal with the ends open to show a couch and a chair. I will tell you right now if the apocalypse does occur my family of four is not going to survive the quiet of each other with only a couch and a chair. First we’d all fight over the couch, then the chair. We would need four separate survival bunkers to truly survive.

I lived in Kansas forever so I know the importance of underground safety for tornadoes which is why basements and storm shelters are popular and necessary there. This was neither of those. This was a “Survival Bunker” displayed again in a field with the confidence and care of a wedding ring on sale in a glass case. Since we were still in Trumpland I again had to wonder, “so is THIS what making America great again meant?” More rooms for families to argue in? How is America greater if we literally have to hide from America? Do we even want to survive in a world that requires a survival bunker? Some people do not.

I know this because not even ten miles down the highway was another boasting billboard for a sale on caskets. Planning a fiscally responsible death is all the rage these days and since there are so many options out there apparently now even mortuaries must advertise their best deals and products. I won’t lie I was impressed with the detail of the “Casket Couture”, so I did take a few quick snaps of it with my phone as we drove by and emailed it to my husband. I actually want to be cremated but who knows, maybe in the end I’ll want my ashes to be comfortable on Egyptian silk with my life motto, Shit Could Be Worse embroidered on the pillow. I’ve worked somewhat hard my entire life who says I don’t deserve my own plot of land.

You know you’ve crossed over the Kansas/Colorado border when it stops smelling like dead cows and dog food processing plants and begins to smell like marijuana. It’s hard to tell if the light smog over Denver is pollution or just bong smoke but either way it’s comforting to know that here in Colorado, most people are too lazy or stoned to paint an entire semi-truck or waste money on a survival bunker. It always amazes me that things can be so different state to state, but at the same time I believe that is what America is becoming: a country full of different mental states. Citizens are allowed to freely move about to the state that aligns best with their own mental state and can be surrounded by like minded neighbors. If you don’t like the state next to you, drive around. If you don’t like a few states in a row, fly over. Do not however, stay living in a state that does not align with your beliefs, hopes, or freedoms. You will be the minority forced to keep your mouth shut slowly melting your inner confidence down into something you don’t recognize or want to be.

I’m fine with Joe Bob being Joe Bob. I’m fine with the artist that spent a whole weekend painting TRUMP on the side of a semi-truck. I am confused about the survival bunkers since they don’t seem much nicer than the mobile homes the residents already have, but oh well. Not everything is meant to be understood or even questioned. That’s where that phrase came from I’m sure. Kansas: It is what it is.

All I Want 4 Christmas: One Holiday Season Without an E.R. Visit

Published on by Johnna Nicole CrawfordLeave a comment

I am jealous if you are NOT worried about Covid. What a treat. I don’t have that luxury, I’m a mom of kids still at home. The people NOT worried about Covid at all are either:

1. Too old to remember having a sick kid

2. Haven’t been to the ER in awhile

Because I’m not scared of Covid, I’m scared of sleepless nights – because that’s what sickness is when you are a parent or part of a family in one home. As a parent, sickness = sleepless nights and gross bodily fluids everywhere. Everywhere. I’m scared of any sickness but I’m especially scared of any sickness that could go thru my whole family like we are actually passing around a football filled with diarrhea.

See I’m not old enough to have forgotten the year my daughter sat up in my bed, turned her head, then threw up directly on my face. I still remember being in a 2 a.m. daze in the shower washing vomit chunks out of my ear. I literally had to turn my head sideways and clean puke from my hair and ear canal while my husband changed the bedding – because not all kids handle sickness the same. Some kids are jerks that never, ever hit a trash can or toilet.

Actually the global point this year is just that: not all humans handle sickness the same. We’ve seen this year that some people do get over Covid, and some people die. The point most people seem to be missing is I don’t want to deal with sickness – period. I know I cant avoid it forever, I know it’s coming around again, but as a mother and a family of four, I’m just not dumb enough to actively go seeking it out by pretending it’s not that bad. And if one of my beloved, trusted doctors personally tells me a mask will lower my chances of sickness, by God I’m wearing nine of them and keeping my kids a full yard stick away from me as I swat it around.

Just last Christmas break we spent the days before Christmas in an out of town ER with our 2nd child. Eventually that stomach bug reached our first child, then me – and it was the worst I have felt in DECADES. Last year’s Christmas stomach surprise was so bad that I knew THE SECOND I felt it – it did not belong in my body. My stomach felt that bug and radioed my brain faster than a NASA astronaut with a helmet leak. My brain received the signal and told me then to buckle up and grab the bulk box of puke bags. Last year, three out of four of us had to go to the ER for medicine just to make it STOP. And that’s only one fun family sickness story. That one is totally separate than the vomit in the ear and totally separate from the ER doctor dressed as Santa years before. Point being, I’ve got enough stories of survival, I don’t want anymore.

So yes America, I know the Covid numbers. I know the media blows it out of proportion, I know my family isn’t in the high risk category. But, I’ve also talked to friends and family as they suffered this year from Covid and I don’t care how many people do get over it – before they got over it, they sounded like they were knock knock knocking on Heaven’s door and it did not sound good.

Thankfully, most people I know personally did make it to the other side of Covid – but many in the world did not, just as we lose people each year to all sorts of sicknesses. It’s all sad. It’s terrible. And I don’t want any of it IF I can avoid it. So congratulations if you’re too old to remember the worst of the sleepless nights with kids. Or enjoy these moments if you’re too young to have experienced the 3 a.m. ER trip with your kid who smells like his pee and your sweat. I’m still young enough and smart enough to know if it’s goin around – there’s a chance it’s comin’ for me and my family. Most sicknesses are like lice, I don’t have to have it to know I don’t want it. And yes, it will pass, but it won’t be pleasant and it’s going to cancel your plans.

I support your rights to not wear a mask. I support the belief in conspiracy theories and questions of vaccines. But more than that, I support going on with my life and my plans without early morning ER trips or chunks of vomit in my ear. When I say I don’t want to get sick, I mean it – I don’t want the flu, the measles, rubella, Covid – none of it, cause we’ve already had most of it and it all sucks.

Here’s the thing about “worries”. With worries, it does help to speak about them, let it out, voice your concerns, get help. However if you’re not worried about something, you’re good. You don’t have to tell us, you don’t have to brag or start a debate – the great thing about not “being worried” is that you can go on not being worried. Everyone has a right to their own emotions and their own reasons for those emotions. Humans rarely have any idea what another human has suffered through that sets off anothers unique set of worries. If you’re not worried but someone else is, how about instead of trying to change their minds you try to understand their point of view. Any breathing sickness still stresses me out because I vividly remember trying to get a one year old to sit nightly with a nebulizer blowing medicine into her sick and growing lungs. It was traumatizing and none of us want to go back.

I’m happy this year has led so many people to better consider their personal hygiene. I’m happy it’s raised political questions and got people talking, but it seems the citizens speaking loudest are the ones without the young or elderly at home. I want to let the people actively caretaking right now be the voices that get heard. Better yet, if you haven’t had to wipe up crap lately, maybe stop talking crap? And if you haven’t truly been puked on lately how about you keep your thought-vomit inside also? The rest of us just want to stay dry from mucus, snot, and feces for one whole season and that shouldn’t be too much to ask for.

My opinion is that after witnessing the “public” again while running some holiday errands I decided the mask may be something I just adopt as an everyday necessity. Actually, at this point I don’t think an everyday Hazmat suit is out of the question. I saw a woman talking to herself while braiding Christmas ribbon from the street into her hair while sitting on the sidewalk and a man walking to his car in a tank top who needed to ask either Santa or Mrs. Claus for a bra. When in society, the public made me realize I don’t know what most people have, but I do know I don’t want to catch it. Any of it.

So you’re not worried, great. Silence is golden. I also wish it was contagious.

The 2020 Gifts to Not Be Giving

Published on by Johnna Nicole CrawfordLeave a comment

How terrible and dumb is 2020 that the “Top Tech Gift” on a gifting list I read today was a surge protector?! That is terrible. If anybody buys me a surge protector for Christmas after raising two kids and a buncha dogs all day, I’m going to thank them by buying myself a taser and giving them a surge of Christmas spirit.


I don’t care how many cords it can handle, I don’t care how many different adapters it has – if you’re giving surge protectors for Christmas you’ve done lost your mind, America. Too much tech, too much tech that needs charged, and too many stupid companies that can’t come up with a unified charger that reaches more than the height of my knee from the floor. When is that last time I answered the phone at knee level? …Well, it was this morning when I climbed down by my charger actually because it is shorter than most necklaces I wear but the point is – it shouldn’t be that way.


How dorky and unenjoyable is Christmas when we’re giving away chargers and surge protectors and getting excited? Buncha nerds out here having too many Zoom calls, too much Facetime and too many actual conversations with Siri and Alexa. I’d rather go back to wasting ten bucks on elephant gift exchanges than be handing out practical gifts for the future of planet Suckon. 


And lookout! Christmas is also bringing out the smallest drones, the newest iPhone 12 and Airpods for your ears so tiny that people will actually think you’re listening to them talk. Can it get any better? Oh, yes it can! The Facebook Portal is a lil frame that allows you to Facetime with your friends and family as if you truly are living on Harry Potter. Walk right by this frame on your counter and your old Aunt Edna might just be watching you for Thursday night TV. Dial up a few more family members and you’ve got yourself a reunion from the future without even having to open your laptop or pick up your phone. 
Once everyone is on the picture frame/teleporter machine you can all discuss the new and smallest drones ever, soon to be flying around, that are as small as a cell phone with photo clarity better than most 20/20 vision. Perhaps one member of the call will have a drone lurking through the windows even as you speak. I have no idea what the new iPhone will do that is so much better than the others but I bet Siri will tell us. Siri this year probably comes with insults she tosses out when she senses an older version of the iPhone near like, “I feel an iPhone 6 somewhere, and I also bet that nerd still shops at the actual mall,” she’ll laugh.


“I’m Siri 12,” she will say, “and I’ve already ordered your Amazon packages based on the thoughts you had today. Get ready for Tuesday when your gallon of Coconut milk, your tag less briefs, and your socks with funny sayings from The Office will finally arrive!” Siri 12 is probably a lot like a 12 year old and I think I’ll hold out for the more mature version that is sure to come out in just a few years.

And guess what? All this crap is gonna need a charger. And trust me, that charger will not reach from floor to hip no matter how far you dip. Give me a charger that is built in and charges from the bottom of my Doc Martens with a long cord that folds up into the sole of the other shoe and THEN I’m going to be impressed by some tech in 2020. Otherwise, this year isn’t just upgraded crap, it’s worse, because we needed it to be better. It was a crappy year for everyone. It was time to bring out the jetpacks and flying bikes. But, nooooo. Worse than coal. 

Surge protectors. Thanks 2020, you’ve been such a gem.

Brother/Husbands: the New, Improved Version of Sister/Wives

Published on by Johnna Nicole CrawfordLeave a comment

I feel like I need to get my new program going before all these new cults and religions are eradicated completely. I know some groups seem nuts, but maybe we should hear them all the way out first.

Not as strict as Mormon and not as weird as Scientology, the main premise of my new lifestyle plan is simple: Brother/Husbands. I can’t be the first woman to think it’s unfair that so many men out there have multiple wives, but rarely (if ever) have I heard of the opposite, a woman with multiple husbands. I’m willing to sacrifice myself and be the first just for testing purposes if need be.

To be clear, personally, I don’t want a ton of husbands, but since the one I have has a real job and a whole household with kids is truly another full time job, I could definitely use a few extra husbands around the house – that bathroom sink isn’t going to unclog itself. I wondered myself how many husbands I’d need to be happy and it’s not an outrageous number – just a baker’s dozen would hit the spot. I’d use them like ingredients to a recipe, some would get used some of the time but only a few all the time, like the milk and eggs of the kitchen. I’ve compiled some ideas of what I sort of think of as the Dream Team of my Brother/Husbands.

My husband now, Mike, is clearly the milk and eggs. I’d use him as the foreman, the head chef, the team Captain. Of course as Captain I ran this plan by him and he agreed a landscaper would be useful. Then we discussed a doctor of sorts and figured one of those Veterinarians that works on humans in a pinch would suffice. We don’t need the pretentiousness of a real doctor in the house just somebody that can work their way around fevers and vaccinations for both humans and pets. I’m thinking a Dr. Pol type so he also comes with lots of wisdom and sage advice.

Next we’ll definitely need a man with a Spanish heritage. The natural tan, the drinks, the taquitos. He’ll be the one up early making coffee but still throwin’ fiestas late.

Then every wife could use a gay partner that doesn’t know he’s gay and if he’s got good taste, I’m not gonna tell him. I’d brag about him so much he’d be more confident than Martha Stewart, “Did ya see the curtains Jayson made today?…MmmHmm, matches the table cloth – better believe it – does it with his shirt off too, God Bless him.” Jayson would be a great help getting kids ready for school and making sure their hair was prepped on picture day.

Since most coaches of football and such also usually teach something like Math or Social Studies I figure the educator and adventure nut could be all one human. Someone that can handle learning to ride a bike and algebra would be perfect. This man probably drinks his energy in protein shakes and could discipline the children with burpees or quiz them on multiplication tables of which I’ve noticed in America today has really been slipping through the cracks.

Age and ethnicity does not matter. I feel like a good starting point would be to have all the men past and present of Criminal Minds as a Brother/Husbands starter package and see where it takes us. My best idea for a functioning family has always been a car-full of dudes of different shapes, sizes and personalities to be married too. And yes, I would have to marry them all coz I’m not a big floozy. And just as on Sister/Wives there’d be some madness to the method but I have faith the Captain would work it all out in weekly meetings when they all discuss our schedules and get their allowances.

My favorite fantasy is that all the men of Criminal Minds are my husbands and we spend our days solving murders and our nights solving Who-Makes-Mama-Happiest. I don’t care if I do have to start a religion to make it legal. The benefit there is that they could also gather to listen to my prepared sermons on Sundays. Guys seem simpler than women so I do not think they would each need their own home, I think they would just each need their own man cave or a part of the house.

The couple of husbands that actually wanted their own kid or two would be up for negotiation but I’d often use a surrogate since I said I want to be Octo-wife, not Octo-mom. Imagine how fun it would be though growing up with your Sister or Brother/Cousin. Instant friends for life. I wouldn’t just be kicking my feet up either. I’d finally get time to read, drink tea and nurture my children with the time and attention I’ve always wanted which is about thirty minutes just before bedtime.

I have always been around a lot of guys because I was between brothers growing up and they all had friends that wanted to marry me – I imagine they thought to themselves silently. And while I have many good friends that are girls I feel like it is still simpler to make a guy happy. Guys don’t have to even say what they need – in fact they don’t want to say it. Usually, it is one of three things: food, physical attention, or an hour to sit alone on the toilet. What I know now is that at most, I’ll need about a dozen toilets.

Other than the primal desire to claim a woman and defend her as his own I’m not even sure some men of today wouldn’t be relieved with this set up. Eventually they’d turn into some sort of softball team and I’d get to refer to them by their last name or number on their jersey. None of them would have to spend a great amount of quality time with me, and they’d only have to focus on the responsibilities that of their actual talents eliminating that pesky thing men hate called multi-tasking. I’m sure there would be some hiccups and I’m sure I’d get really tired of the phrases, “Thatta boy!” and “You all know we keep Febreze in every room!” But in a world where male role models are ridiculed and scarce I propose this is a simple way to slowly turn things around using a plan that was actually thought up by men.

Ladies, if we want equality in this world we’re going to have to look at this system that men have put in place and say, “Yes, we can do this – better.” I know I haven’t listed the whole team I think would be necessary for Brother/Husbands to be successful, but I think I’m off to a good start. I’m open to collaboration and suggestions. Why erase sexism when all we really have to do is reverse it? Next time you’re husband is too busy, or too tired – tell him to relax, put his feet up you’re about to call in the second string.

My NeverEnding Fear of 80’s Movies

Published on by Johnna Nicole CrawfordLeave a comment
Let me go ahead and age myself while ticking other people off at the same time.
There are quite a few 80’s movies that I was forced to watch as a child that not only scared the crap out of me, but made me question the sanity and sobriety of the adults around me. I made a decision early in life that if some of my friends were super in love with these movies, I had to reconsider the relationship. I tried to put these movies in order from Crazy to Straight up Nuts and it wasn’t possible in my brain so maybe I’ll try & list them in the order I remember being traumatized by them.

The first one will piss off a lot of Kansans and Judy Garland fans: The Wizard of Oz. So many disturbing things here for a young child. First, it was the beginning of my fear of tornadoes that went on the rest of my life. Second, that scarecrow was annoying as crap. I wanted to light him on fire and hope it would catch the lion’s mane. But mostly, why did Judy Garland look thirty but dress and sound like a five year old girl? Normally I love musicals, but this one with the witches, flying monkeys, and a fake land of Oz was too much. Too much I say. If it had been a cartoon, I maybe would have given it a chance, but probably not. I simply rolled my eyes and put my head down whenever they rolled this one out on that large metal TV stand in class.

Second, The NeverEnding Story – which truly was, the never ending story. I think it took three trips to my sitter’s house just to get to the final conclusion. Here are some terrible highlights: a boy with a creepy book in a storm, a small princess that seems to be the victim of child trafficking, another cuter boy dressed like Aladdin that was literally horrible with every animal he was responsible for. There was screaming at a flying dog and screaming at a horse going down quick in quick sand. My hope was that the horse would always step on that kid and work his way out. I can’t even discuss those rock people. All I gotta say is whenever this was chosen at sleepovers, I’d call my mom to pick me up so I could go home and watch Cheers with my dad.

Do I have to mention ANY version of Pee-Wee Herman? Pee-Wee Herman is literally how I measured the intelligence of my possible-friends. It was like an early online personality test for me. If they loved it, delete. If they didn’t like it either, we could at least test the swings at the park at the same time. When Paul Reubens was arrested for lewd behavior in an X rated cinema all I could think was Duh. He came freakishly close to ruining the bow tie for everyone, for ever. Leave it to America to make a character with short pants on a kids bike named Pee-Wee popular and then be disappointed when he’s a dumb ass in real life too. Some of us saw that coming the first time we heard his honking laugh.

How many times in school were we forced to watch Charlie and the Chocolate Factory? A zillion? A zillion and one? And every flippin’ time, I’d again roll my eyes and bang my head on the desk. For real, my favorite activity during all these VHS class moments was to parade my fingers around my desk like legs so that the inside of my palm looked like a butt. Ha. I did it so much I still get a kick out of it. But that movie! So much weirdness! Too many grandparents in one bed, kids with weird names in weird clothes, and a freaky candy owner that for some reason was giving away tours of his factory demonstrating newly invented candy. That was literally every parent’s greatest fear in the 80’s as they checked our Halloween candy for razorblades, but they’d show us the Charlie movie like we should trust middle aged men with top hats and a cane. Let me tell you this, I didn’t even trust the adults that put on these movies for us. I know they were just trying to buy some quiet time, but I learned the hard way with my own kid – prescreening is important.

A few other gems not worth their own paragraph are the few I’m sure viewers had to be on drugs to enjoy. In the 80’s there were quite a lot of these regardless of when they were made, I was made aware of them as a young child harshly judging the adults that either suggested or put these movies on for us. Alice in Wonderland – not a fan, love Johnny Depp, but there was NO reason to remake this. Disney’s Fantasia…ummm, no. Drop Dead Fred – imaginary friend comes to life later – stupid. Who Framed Roger Rabbit?…Negative.

There were plenty of even weirder movies played for kids during my childhood but the ones I mentioned above were played constantly. My dad and brothers literally loved every Ernest movie ever made whether he was at camp, jail or saving Christmas. I’d watch them, because we only had one TV. Even the movies I loved were terrifying. I loved Annie but her hard knock life often really stressed me out. The whole premise of adorable Benji is that the kids are kidnapped right off the bat. And yes, it is ridiculous how every movie or show must begin with the loss of a beloved mother or father. I was an emotional wreck as a kid and very rarely was anything on screen calming, most of it just kept me up at nights terrified or paranoid about the adults responsible for me.

Since I’m a good mom, I haven’t made my kids watch any of that crap from above. To educate them about good musicals, there’s Newsies and plenty others. Silly journeys to save a princess? A Princess Bride. Ridiculous comic adults with a red bike? I got nothing for that one or kids in a candy factory that raises more questions than answers. I’m not worried about my kids, they may miss a few rounds in Trivia but they also won’t have to spend entire bus rides trying to figure out what adult woman dances down a brick road with a tin man. Madness.

I love the Disney remakes. I love the new Lion King, Cinderella and especially Beauty and the Beast. I’m glad my kids get updated versions of the good stuff. And I’m sorry if you love some of the childhood films I mentioned above. I’m guessing if you’re fond of those flicks your parents smoked in your lead painted house and let you have sips of beer on occasion. All I can say is I love movies, but even as a kid, if the story sucked, the movie sucked. Ya got about five minutes to get my attention and keep it. As the rest of my friends would be entertained by the Chocolate Factory or Pee-Wee Herman, I’d be silently watching them. What movies a kid enjoyed said a lot about them as a person – and it still does, ya Lord of the Rings nerds 🙂

You’re Gonna Get Spanked – by Me – by Life – but Most Likely by Me

Published on by Johnna Nicole CrawfordLeave a comment

I’m absolutely positive Covid is bringing back the popularity of spanking and most people just won’t talk about it. I will, because I’d like to encourage the frustrated mothers of today that it is still better to spank your child than confine them to a dog cage. It’s sad I have to say that, but these days there are people literally dumb enough to use the “nobody ever told me that,” defense in court. Those are also the type of people that would be drawn to my writing I’m sure so I like to cover my bases.

So, yes, we spank our kids occasionally and I don’t even care if you call the authorities. Both my brothers are well aware that my two children could be dropped off at their doorstop at any time with their trash bags sweat pants and mismatched socks and a fruit plate that spells out “Congrats on the Newest Additions!” Then I’ll turn their rooms into home gyms so they know when then do get to come back home, I’ll be moving faster and spanking like I was trained by the Rock.

90% of the time I’m the Carol Brady of motherhood – just solving problems in my blonde mullet – but I’m here to tell everyone that this Covid crap has dramatically lowered the successful parenting percentage significantly around the world. Here’s one thing I’ll tell you: taking away technology at a time like this is only a punishment to the parents. On the other hand, too much technology and my child eventually comes across commercials that we’re not ready for. He has the kid settings on everything and still he asked yesterday if he would need the HPV vaccine because YouTube is recommending it for males and females. Since he’s six, and recently figured out he’s male, he was naturally concerned. I’d love to say I responded intelligently but truthfully, I had to use my tablet to Google it instead of just playing deaf and looking it up on my own later. Finally I told him yes, we’re a family that doesn’t just spank, we vaccinate and lucky for him that one was a few years away.

It is not natural these days for all the family to be at home all the time, much less with kids trying to do schoolwork as parents try to have real careers all beneath the same roof. I assume since my son’s Kindergarten teacher sent home a Chromebook laptop for him this week it is for him to perfect his resume and find a real job because if I’m going to be playing teacher any longer I’m going to need a raise and he’s going to need to mature quicker. I vote everybody gets held back this year, we skip holidays, birthdays and just pretend this year didn’t even show up. Let’s just skip it like hotels skip the 13th floor and then never talk about it like it’s not weird. If we all agree to skip this year and vow with blood to only go back to normal after a vaccine is truly working then I bet there’s a lot of us that won’t mind celebrating the same birthday twice, especially because every birthday this year made us ask ourselves, “do I even want to keep aging on this planet?”

There are truly only two real questions going on here: do you want to die at home from a domestic dispute and murder? Or do you want to chance it in society with Covid? Every single extracurricular activity my children were involved with after school such as basketball or swimming has been cancelled which does not mean much to them but to me it means I had to start ordering both Benadryl and Melatonin in bulk and referring to every pill in our cabinets as vitamins we all need to take hourly to fight the virus.

The beauty of spanking kids in this decade is it only has to happen once or twice and all their past education kicks in and they truly believe their parents are on the verge of major child abuse. We spanked our daughter a few times in elementary school and now all we have to do is mention the word and she’s abruptly attempting to sweep the floor and empty the dishwasher at the same time. I showed our son the paddle I got spanked with as a kid and we keep it within reach for when necessary. When we do mention it or reach for it not only does his voice change with obedience, but he’s also started to salute us both as we walk by.

I got spanked as a child and I was the good kid. I can’t even remember what I did but because I’d worn jean shorts under a skirt to school that day my dad thought I’d put them on just for the spanking then made me take off both the skirt and shorts. I’m sure that made it more difficult to spank me – his beloved daughter – since my underwear then was that sweet brand of Precious Moments characters with big tear drop eyes. That was probably hard to follow through with, but he did it and low and behold, I still graduated high school, college, and never once had to talk about it in therapy. Well, I had more pressing issues to talk about in therapy – my point is – as long as your spankings are quick and on the tush when a kid deserves it – they’re gonna live, and even probably still love you.

If spankings don’t work, we have had the actual conversation about switching the dog shock collars over to the other little necks at home to zap them into good behavior. At that point, I feel like your child may even start begging for spankings.

Now’s the time to try it out parents. Who’s that kid gonna call? Just tell the authorities the house is run amuck with the ‘Rona and you’re all delusional. Then get the kid an ice pack for their butt. It’s true: some kids don’t need spanked. Or, some mothers just need to lower their expectations for what deserves a spanking. Here’s how I determine who’s getting spanked:

  1. If the kid has been asked over three times to pick up their crap.
  2. If the kid has talked back more times than Macaulay Culkin on Home Alone – as he’s being dragged up to the attic.   
  3. If they’ve “forgot” all the responsibilities they’ve been in charge of since the beginning of time.
  4. And finally, and mostly, when they think they’re funnier than me, because that’s like sports – you may be good one day, but today is not that day.

Occasionally parents (mainly moms) you gotta pull out your crazy eyes and crazy voice at least once a month just to keep the kids on their toes. Especially during this time which is unchartered waters – holidays + world pandemic = time to buckle down folks. My best suggestion is make the old school paddle just to loop to your belt or sit out on the coffee table. That way you don’t even have to spank, you just make a long, dramatic stare in the direction of the paddle and watch those kids dance like your shooting stray bullets at their feet. Try it, it’s fun. And right now, we all could use a little fun, and a lot more sanity. You’re welcome.

Have a great Thanksgiving!