How terrible and dumb is 2020 that the “Top Tech Gift” on a gifting list I read today was a surge protector?! That is terrible. If anybody buys me a surge protector for Christmas after raising two kids and a buncha dogs all day, I’m going to thank them by buying myself a taser and giving them a surge of Christmas spirit.

I don’t care how many cords it can handle, I don’t care how many different adapters it has – if you’re giving surge protectors for Christmas you’ve done lost your mind, America. Too much tech, too much tech that needs charged, and too many stupid companies that can’t come up with a unified charger that reaches more than the height of my knee from the floor. When is that last time I answered the phone at knee level? …Well, it was this morning when I climbed down by my charger actually because it is shorter than most necklaces I wear but the point is – it shouldn’t be that way.

How dorky and unenjoyable is Christmas when we’re giving away chargers and surge protectors and getting excited? Buncha nerds out here having too many Zoom calls, too much Facetime and too many actual conversations with Siri and Alexa. I’d rather go back to wasting ten bucks on elephant gift exchanges than be handing out practical gifts for the future of planet Suckon. 

And lookout! Christmas is also bringing out the smallest drones, the newest iPhone 12 and Airpods for your ears so tiny that people will actually think you’re listening to them talk. Can it get any better? Oh, yes it can! The Facebook Portal is a lil frame that allows you to Facetime with your friends and family as if you truly are living on Harry Potter. Walk right by this frame on your counter and your old Aunt Edna might just be watching you for Thursday night TV. Dial up a few more family members and you’ve got yourself a reunion from the future without even having to open your laptop or pick up your phone. 
Once everyone is on the picture frame/teleporter machine you can all discuss the new and smallest drones ever, soon to be flying around, that are as small as a cell phone with photo clarity better than most 20/20 vision. Perhaps one member of the call will have a drone lurking through the windows even as you speak. I have no idea what the new iPhone will do that is so much better than the others but I bet Siri will tell us. Siri this year probably comes with insults she tosses out when she senses an older version of the iPhone near like, “I feel an iPhone 6 somewhere, and I also bet that nerd still shops at the actual mall,” she’ll laugh.

“I’m Siri 12,” she will say, “and I’ve already ordered your Amazon packages based on the thoughts you had today. Get ready for Tuesday when your gallon of Coconut milk, your tag less briefs, and your socks with funny sayings from The Office will finally arrive!” Siri 12 is probably a lot like a 12 year old and I think I’ll hold out for the more mature version that is sure to come out in just a few years.

And guess what? All this crap is gonna need a charger. And trust me, that charger will not reach from floor to hip no matter how far you dip. Give me a charger that is built in and charges from the bottom of my Doc Martens with a long cord that folds up into the sole of the other shoe and THEN I’m going to be impressed by some tech in 2020. Otherwise, this year isn’t just upgraded crap, it’s worse, because we needed it to be better. It was a crappy year for everyone. It was time to bring out the jetpacks and flying bikes. But, nooooo. Worse than coal. 

Surge protectors. Thanks 2020, you’ve been such a gem.