| Let me go ahead and age myself while ticking other people off at the same time. There are quite a few 80’s movies that I was forced to watch as a child that not only scared the crap out of me, but made me question the sanity and sobriety of the adults around me. I made a decision early in life that if some of my friends were super in love with these movies, I had to reconsider the relationship. I tried to put these movies in order from Crazy to Straight up Nuts and it wasn’t possible in my brain so maybe I’ll try & list them in the order I remember being traumatized by them. The first one will piss off a lot of Kansans and Judy Garland fans: The Wizard of Oz. So many disturbing things here for a young child. First, it was the beginning of my fear of tornadoes that went on the rest of my life. Second, that scarecrow was annoying as crap. I wanted to light him on fire and hope it would catch the lion’s mane. But mostly, why did Judy Garland look thirty but dress and sound like a five year old girl? Normally I love musicals, but this one with the witches, flying monkeys, and a fake land of Oz was too much. Too much I say. If it had been a cartoon, I maybe would have given it a chance, but probably not. I simply rolled my eyes and put my head down whenever they rolled this one out on that large metal TV stand in class. Second, The NeverEnding Story – which truly was, the never ending story. I think it took three trips to my sitter’s house just to get to the final conclusion. Here are some terrible highlights: a boy with a creepy book in a storm, a small princess that seems to be the victim of child trafficking, another cuter boy dressed like Aladdin that was literally horrible with every animal he was responsible for. There was screaming at a flying dog and screaming at a horse going down quick in quick sand. My hope was that the horse would always step on that kid and work his way out. I can’t even discuss those rock people. All I gotta say is whenever this was chosen at sleepovers, I’d call my mom to pick me up so I could go home and watch Cheers with my dad. Do I have to mention ANY version of Pee-Wee Herman? Pee-Wee Herman is literally how I measured the intelligence of my possible-friends. It was like an early online personality test for me. If they loved it, delete. If they didn’t like it either, we could at least test the swings at the park at the same time. When Paul Reubens was arrested for lewd behavior in an X rated cinema all I could think was Duh. He came freakishly close to ruining the bow tie for everyone, for ever. Leave it to America to make a character with short pants on a kids bike named Pee-Wee popular and then be disappointed when he’s a dumb ass in real life too. Some of us saw that coming the first time we heard his honking laugh. How many times in school were we forced to watch Charlie and the Chocolate Factory? A zillion? A zillion and one? And every flippin’ time, I’d again roll my eyes and bang my head on the desk. For real, my favorite activity during all these VHS class moments was to parade my fingers around my desk like legs so that the inside of my palm looked like a butt. Ha. I did it so much I still get a kick out of it. But that movie! So much weirdness! Too many grandparents in one bed, kids with weird names in weird clothes, and a freaky candy owner that for some reason was giving away tours of his factory demonstrating newly invented candy. That was literally every parent’s greatest fear in the 80’s as they checked our Halloween candy for razorblades, but they’d show us the Charlie movie like we should trust middle aged men with top hats and a cane. Let me tell you this, I didn’t even trust the adults that put on these movies for us. I know they were just trying to buy some quiet time, but I learned the hard way with my own kid – prescreening is important. A few other gems not worth their own paragraph are the few I’m sure viewers had to be on drugs to enjoy. In the 80’s there were quite a lot of these regardless of when they were made, I was made aware of them as a young child harshly judging the adults that either suggested or put these movies on for us. Alice in Wonderland – not a fan, love Johnny Depp, but there was NO reason to remake this. Disney’s Fantasia…ummm, no. Drop Dead Fred – imaginary friend comes to life later – stupid. Who Framed Roger Rabbit?…Negative. There were plenty of even weirder movies played for kids during my childhood but the ones I mentioned above were played constantly. My dad and brothers literally loved every Ernest movie ever made whether he was at camp, jail or saving Christmas. I’d watch them, because we only had one TV. Even the movies I loved were terrifying. I loved Annie but her hard knock life often really stressed me out. The whole premise of adorable Benji is that the kids are kidnapped right off the bat. And yes, it is ridiculous how every movie or show must begin with the loss of a beloved mother or father. I was an emotional wreck as a kid and very rarely was anything on screen calming, most of it just kept me up at nights terrified or paranoid about the adults responsible for me. Since I’m a good mom, I haven’t made my kids watch any of that crap from above. To educate them about good musicals, there’s Newsies and plenty others. Silly journeys to save a princess? A Princess Bride. Ridiculous comic adults with a red bike? I got nothing for that one or kids in a candy factory that raises more questions than answers. I’m not worried about my kids, they may miss a few rounds in Trivia but they also won’t have to spend entire bus rides trying to figure out what adult woman dances down a brick road with a tin man. Madness. I love the Disney remakes. I love the new Lion King, Cinderella and especially Beauty and the Beast. I’m glad my kids get updated versions of the good stuff. And I’m sorry if you love some of the childhood films I mentioned above. I’m guessing if you’re fond of those flicks your parents smoked in your lead painted house and let you have sips of beer on occasion. All I can say is I love movies, but even as a kid, if the story sucked, the movie sucked. Ya got about five minutes to get my attention and keep it. As the rest of my friends would be entertained by the Chocolate Factory or Pee-Wee Herman, I’d be silently watching them. What movies a kid enjoyed said a lot about them as a person – and it still does, ya Lord of the Rings nerds 🙂 |
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Johnna Nicole Crawford 