I’m absolutely positive Covid is bringing back the popularity of spanking and most people just won’t talk about it. I will, because I’d like to encourage the frustrated mothers of today that it is still better to spank your child than confine them to a dog cage. It’s sad I have to say that, but these days there are people literally dumb enough to use the “nobody ever told me that,” defense in court. Those are also the type of people that would be drawn to my writing I’m sure so I like to cover my bases.

So, yes, we spank our kids occasionally and I don’t even care if you call the authorities. Both my brothers are well aware that my two children could be dropped off at their doorstop at any time with their trash bags sweat pants and mismatched socks and a fruit plate that spells out “Congrats on the Newest Additions!” Then I’ll turn their rooms into home gyms so they know when then do get to come back home, I’ll be moving faster and spanking like I was trained by the Rock.

90% of the time I’m the Carol Brady of motherhood – just solving problems in my blonde mullet – but I’m here to tell everyone that this Covid crap has dramatically lowered the successful parenting percentage significantly around the world. Here’s one thing I’ll tell you: taking away technology at a time like this is only a punishment to the parents. On the other hand, too much technology and my child eventually comes across commercials that we’re not ready for. He has the kid settings on everything and still he asked yesterday if he would need the HPV vaccine because YouTube is recommending it for males and females. Since he’s six, and recently figured out he’s male, he was naturally concerned. I’d love to say I responded intelligently but truthfully, I had to use my tablet to Google it instead of just playing deaf and looking it up on my own later. Finally I told him yes, we’re a family that doesn’t just spank, we vaccinate and lucky for him that one was a few years away.

It is not natural these days for all the family to be at home all the time, much less with kids trying to do schoolwork as parents try to have real careers all beneath the same roof. I assume since my son’s Kindergarten teacher sent home a Chromebook laptop for him this week it is for him to perfect his resume and find a real job because if I’m going to be playing teacher any longer I’m going to need a raise and he’s going to need to mature quicker. I vote everybody gets held back this year, we skip holidays, birthdays and just pretend this year didn’t even show up. Let’s just skip it like hotels skip the 13^th floor and then never talk about it like it’s not weird. If we all agree to skip this year and vow with blood to only go back to normal after a vaccine is truly working then I bet there’s a lot of us that won’t mind celebrating the same birthday twice, especially because every birthday this year made us ask ourselves, “do I even want to keep aging on this planet?”

There are truly only two real questions going on here: do you want to die at home from a domestic dispute and murder? Or do you want to chance it in society with Covid? Every single extracurricular activity my children were involved with after school such as basketball or swimming has been cancelled which does not mean much to them but to me it means I had to start ordering both Benadryl and Melatonin in bulk and referring to every pill in our cabinets as vitamins we all need to take hourly to fight the virus.

The beauty of spanking kids in this decade is it only has to happen once or twice and all their past education kicks in and they truly believe their parents are on the verge of major child abuse. We spanked our daughter a few times in elementary school and now all we have to do is mention the word and she’s abruptly attempting to sweep the floor and empty the dishwasher at the same time. I showed our son the paddle I got spanked with as a kid and we keep it within reach for when necessary. When we do mention it or reach for it not only does his voice change with obedience, but he’s also started to salute us both as we walk by.

I got spanked as a child and I was the good kid. I can’t even remember what I did but because I’d worn jean shorts under a skirt to school that day my dad thought I’d put them on just for the spanking then made me take off both the skirt and shorts. I’m sure that made it more difficult to spank me – his beloved daughter – since my underwear then was that sweet brand of Precious Moments characters with big tear drop eyes. That was probably hard to follow through with, but he did it and low and behold, I still graduated high school, college, and never once had to talk about it in therapy. Well, I had more pressing issues to talk about in therapy – my point is – as long as your spankings are quick and on the tush when a kid deserves it – they’re gonna live, and even probably still love you.

If spankings don’t work, we have had the actual conversation about switching the dog shock collars over to the other little necks at home to zap them into good behavior. At that point, I feel like your child may even start begging for spankings.

Now’s the time to try it out parents. Who’s that kid gonna call? Just tell the authorities the house is run amuck with the ‘Rona and you’re all delusional. Then get the kid an ice pack for their butt. It’s true: some kids don’t need spanked. Or, some mothers just need to lower their expectations for what deserves a spanking. Here’s how I determine who’s getting spanked:

1. If the kid has been asked over three times to pick up their crap.
2. If the kid has talked back more times than Macaulay Culkin on Home Alone – as he’s being dragged up to the attic.   
3. If they’ve “forgot” all the responsibilities they’ve been in charge of since the beginning of time.
4. And finally, and mostly, when they think they’re funnier than me, because that’s like sports – you may be good one day, but today is not that day.

Occasionally parents (mainly moms) you gotta pull out your crazy eyes and crazy voice at least once a month just to keep the kids on their toes. Especially during this time which is unchartered waters – holidays + world pandemic = time to buckle down folks. My best suggestion is make the old school paddle just to loop to your belt or sit out on the coffee table. That way you don’t even have to spank, you just make a long, dramatic stare in the direction of the paddle and watch those kids dance like your shooting stray bullets at their feet. Try it, it’s fun. And right now, we all could use a little fun, and a lot more sanity. You’re welcome.

Have a great Thanksgiving!