Well, if you know me you know I like to dress just a little bit homeless. Not so homeless you won’t imagine making out with me but homeless enough you’ll offer me either a sandwich or a forty. PS: it’s always going to be the forty. I eat enough. In fact, my eating is what has recently made me look less homeless than usual. Like, ya don’t see a ton of overweight homeless people. And when I do I’m like, umm…I think you’re doing just fine.

I shop a lot at thrift stores and normal stores and one thing I’m not getting is why they are STILL putting shoulder pads in women’s jackets? No, no, it wasn’t a thing of the past – it is STILL a thing, the pads are just thinner, but still stupid. Really though, am I trying out for JV football? Might I run into Patrick Mahomes on my way to work? Because if there is a chance, I will be taking off the jacket with shoulder pads. I will be asking him to take his off too.

This week at the thrift store I bought a white lab coat I found. You know we don’t all know when we’ll be getting into some science. One day I showed up to high school and it was announced I’d be performing emergency surgery on a dead frog. So, at least now I have the coat.

If any of you need to give some medical advice soon – call me. I’m more prepared then you. If any of you have a kid with a loose tooth, call me. There is just so much more in life that will be taken seriously, and calmly from the person in the white lab coat.

I love the thrift store and l love knowing that all my jeans were once worn by an 80 year old man. When Macklemore rapped about “wearing your grandpa’s clothes” he was literally talking about my pappap and me.

Most girls are wearing 80’s jeans again. They didn’t get the memo that the 80’s were not cool for anyone but Madonna. Regardless, even the popular girls today are wearing their pants like Urkel. All the tweens are wearing mom jeans. I realize that is because a lot of moms these days are 19, because MTV made Teen Moms something to aspire to be, but in the past, we did not want to wear jeans like our mothers. Our moms were 54 and battling menopause like a rabid dog being attacked by a swarm of bees.

I never, ever wanted to dress like anyone I knew unless it was Denise on the Cosby Show. And when I was young and someone asked what I wanted to be I always had the same reply, “an orphan”.

And I wasn’t kidding. Punky Brewster, lil orphan Annie, Pippi Longstocking – all my heroes – all orphans.  My favorite character of all time was Penny – Inspector Gadget’s niece. We never found out what happened to Penny’s parents but we do know it had to be bad enough for that lunatic Inspector Gadget to get custody. And we all know the real reason Inspector Gadget isn’t married – it’s still not legal everywhere for men to marry robots, but I’m sure that day is coming and I’m all for it. Well, I’m for women marrying robots but either way, I really just wanted Penny’s dog and video watch and for her to get just a little credit for getting her dang uncle outta every single jam.

The real reason we didn’t want to share clothes with our moms is because they were truly our moms not our porn star partner. Trust me, it isn’t cute when your jeans are so high they cover your umbilical cord. I know they call the jeans “high waisted” but outside of fashion we just call it camel toe.

The only chicks wearing their jeans that tight have got to actually be high, and wasted.